Is this copyrighted??

HT: Jenny A

A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need the sun!

From Volker Runde’s Math Jokes page.

A: Pumpkin Pi!

From Volker Runde’s Math Jokes page.

In my browsings on the Web (long story) I came across this.  (Long story, it’s an offshoot from http://www.livejournal.com/~bcampbell/ if you’re that interested.)  I reproduce it here as it appears on the page.

Jackisms    [21 Dec 2002|08:11pm]
I found this on the network at work. It was called ‘Jackisms’. I suppose jack is someone that works in whatever area that particular server was located in.
1.  Between a rock and a hard roll.
2.  Verennial disease.
3.  LaBarrage – L’Auberge.
4.  Tarantula downpour.
5.  See if any other eligibilities are evolved (involved ) in this case.
6.  If Cleopatra doesn’t come to Romeo.
7.  Basket and Robbins.
8.  A.I. – Alcoholics Anonymous.
9.  Apptabit – APTAD
…
11. The plane we flew in was a 537 – Marked down from 737.?

…
13. He did a tumblesault – summersault.
14. Odvious – obvious.
15. What do I do to owe this pleasure?
16. Gin and bottles – Gin and bitters.
17. Sherman Williams paint.
18. They use a bowling chemical on the lanes.
19. Wait till I tell O’Connor this Š He’s liable to fall over in his grave.
20. Is this the only virgin of this that we have?
21. Support and collection – support collection
…
23. The Acidics in Sullivan County – Hassidics
24. I hear you’re the boss. We know who wears the shoes in your family.
25. Did anybody watch the Multiple District Telethon? – Muscular Dystrophy.
26. I’m trying to be good today because I know my growth here is beginning to grow.
27. Social Slurvices – Services
28. I want to work for the commissioner’s office so I can make public engagements.
29. It’s a belated surprise party, like when you die and they bury you after.
30. I’m younger than I actually am.
31. What time is it tomorrow?
32. Why don’t you stop in L.A. – Las Vegas.
33. One hand deserves another.
34. Jerry, I’m telling you, the walls are bouncing off Cindy.
35. Carol, don’t look like me. – don’t look at me.
36. Cataracus County – Cattaraugus County
37. Pack up all your cares and woos – woes
38. Person knocking on door. Jack, “Who’s there, please recognize yourself.”.
39. It was uninomous.
40. I was misconceived – misinformed
41. I’ve been known to come out on the end of the totem pole several times.
42. I heard that you were the belly of the ball.
43. Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me finish my sandwich – sentence
44. She could be the stabilizing bar in your life.
45. The new Stop and Shave – Stop and save
46. Tompkins English Muffins
47. Look at the way the clouds hoover over the mountain.
48. That’s when we had our siver – split
49. Anybody see Boldero – Bull Durham
50. Money makes me sappy – happy
51. I’ve got invested rights – vested
52. Umbiblical cord
53. Your desk is like a pig stein.
54. This is sayonara in the fast lane.
55. This is for mothers who give birth.
56. I heard that Cindy is in a frizzy.
57. I’ve got to get the wordcast out.
58. I had a rough night. I slept on the Koch (couch) all night.
59. What the name of that movie, 4 and 40? – North Dallas 40
60. I have to watch you like a tooth on a comb.
61. I wouldn’t come down here, she’s in a frisky biscuit.
62. You go down the road and take the troll bridge.
63. One hand works the other.
64. Cheeky Rodriguez – ChiChi Rodriguez
65. The person has mutual access to multi many tickets.
66. You have to watch for teak flies – ticks
67. Life is a ball of jelly.
…
69. Cindy, whatever are you doing, peeping and tomming?
70. She died of an angerism – aneurysm
71. People in greenhouses shouldn’t throw rocks.
72. I wouldn’t go near Crossgates Mall with a fine toothcomb.
73. Hangover remedy: You have to bite what bit you.
74. Colleges changed their nicknames to non-ethic ones.
75. If history is true of the past.
76. The blanes are turning – blades
77. You had a petition between you and Henry – partition
78. No, he’s as white as the Ace of Spades.
79. He got the jest of it – gist
80. “till they jockey their shorts around”
81. Brueglers – Brueggers
82. St. Jerome was burned on the grill.
83. The hoist (host) system is down.
84. Sailors for cigarettes – Trailers for sale or rent
85. I want a circular (cellular) phone for my car.
86. Flee bargaining – Plea
87. Appealyas Court – Appellate
88. Let’s not go overhand – overboard
89. We can write procedures till we’re blown in the face.
90. We had some Red Killian’s beer – Killians Red
91. Luke Skywhacker – Skywalker
92. Theosaurus – Thesaurus
93. I used the Lord’s vain once – name in vain
94. Let’s shoot the brew – breeze
95. Both of you stand out like a lead balloon.
96. Xavier Cougat’s wife, Toro – Charo
97. Layoffs and furrows – furloughs
98. Secular phones – cellular
99. Merrygrounds – Merry-Go-Round
100.    The Choppers are playing Peaoreo – Peoria
101.    She smokes like a fish.
102.    Cabaret wine – Cabernet
103.    Suck the biscuit
104.    He’s a potato and egg type – meat and potato
105.    Whistle while it works
106.    CES – CSEA
107.    Sue, you’re just like a defected machine – defective
108.    I need a new office under lock and door (key)
109.    Get used to it, it’s not going to last long.
110.    Is that Colonel Sander’s popcorn?
111.    Cuomo is nothing but palm (pond) scum.
112.    Peter is going to Thighland (Thailand).
113.    Goals and objections (objectives).
114.    Training on top of supervisors.
115.    T.B.A. = To Be Determined (To Be Added).
116.    Governor Cuomo (He pronounced it like Romeo).
117.    I’m going to shed a little of this on you.
118.    I think she jumped the handle on this one.
119.    Tell Nigel that he’s swinging (whistling) Dixie.
120.    Rick, you’re swallowing (whistling) Dixie.
…
122.    Jerry, are you going snorkel fishing?
123.    She makes out like smoke.
124.    I used to get a lot of “I’s” in school. You know, “I” for unsatisfactory.
125.    Morrison (Morse) Code.
126.    Oral and Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
127.    Why don’t you buy a Vulval (Volvo).
128.    They’re just second grade (class) citizens.
129.    Stu, you can quarterize them (cut them in four pieces).
130.    Pyonara (Sayonara).
131.    He’s just a scape cat (goat).
132.    He’s going to play baseball in Swissconsin (Wisconsin)
133.    Lisa is a good lick stamper.
134.    Croptin (captain) Kirk.
135.    Do I prove you guilty before I consider you innocent?
136.    My mother was valvatorium (valedictorian) of her class.
137.    Have you tried Howard Johnson’s (Johnson and Johnson’s) disposable contact lenses?
138.    Leo Duroucher dried (died).
139.    Let me run this through you (by you).
140.    We were thrown to the bulls (lions).
141.    The cake (case) workers in Albany County.
142.    Servicing (Services) – answering the phone.
143.    I cleaned (raked) the leaves over the weekend.
144.    An amused (abused) and maltreated child.
145.    Per Batum (verbatim).
146.    Unspounding (unfounding)
147.    They better get their asses together.
148.    You fit in the shoes, you have to wear them.
149.    Back on path (track).
150.    very voiceterous (boisterous).
151.    Not running (playing) with a full deck.
152.    I don’t pull too many bones (punches).
…
154.    It wasn’t an accident, it was a berf (birth) defect.
155.    I want my meatball (Maypo).
156.    She has a whole brand new leaf (turned over a new leaf).
157.    They’re running a two-al (dual) system.
…
159.    Recticle (rectal) thermometers.
160.    Ride ‘em coyote (cowboy).
161.    Just an arm’s (stone’s) throw away.
162.    We’ll go over it with a fine tooth and comb.
163.    A little “wash me out mouth” (mouth wash).
164.    Who do you think you are “Lady Asterbilt?” ( Vanderbilt? Aster?)
165.    Then you pull her by the head of your hair. (describing a romantic scene).
166.    Teen pregnancy for adults (new social services program).
167.    Terri, you can’t go anywhere. You’re here till you leave.
168.    Go around the horseshoe (horn).
169.    To Larry Frank: “If you want to come back, you have to take that out of your earball”.
170.    Matt’s looking for a job. He can nursery (baby-sit) your daughter.
171.    Cindy, are you on the inaround (?)?
…
173.    ”I must be very greetable” (upon meeting a young woman.)
174.    The electrical (electoral) college.
175.    You’ve got to clean your desk out while it’s still warm.
176.    When it rains it falls.
177.    The funniest thing I will ever forget.
178.    The Guarding (Guardian) Angels.
179.    You know your problems are over when you see the wind at the end of the tunnel.
180.    Does anyone have the Robinson Crusoe soft pack (soft cover).
181.    I just don’t trust that Jim (Bill) Clinton.
182.    Don’t be chimpsey (chintzy).
183.    The point is mute (moot).
184.    One hand doesn’t talk to each other.
185.    The serve many different hats.
186.    The suitcase worker (supervisor, not caseworker).
187.    Jerry, you should wear two sets of shoes (hats).
188.    Hit the head on the nail (nail on the head).
189.    The internal (eternal) flame.
190.    He has ammonia (pneumonia).
191.    ”Jack you’re right only 20% of the time”. Jack: “You’re right, but it’s that 20% that I’m right”.
192.    Subtle – pronounced subtile.
193.    Fathom – pronounced phantom.
194.    Lingerie – pronounced linger-ee.
195.    An electronic suck me up message.
196.    That’s Leap (light) years ahead.
197.    The fault totally blames with her.
198 “That putt didn’t move an ounce!” (After missing a putt on the high side, Jack looked up in disgust and said, )
199.    ”That drive just plucked in the fairway.” ( Jack noticed that his enormous drive of over 175 yards into a wet fairway didn’t bounce. In amazement he shouted)
200.    After hearing that Vicky was sick, Jack asked with concern in his voice, “Is she on leave with absence?”
201.    As he considered the potential outcome of an upcoming golf match Jack commented, “We are going to beat you square and fair.”
202.    ”well, he doesn’t have a prayer to stand on!”.
203.    ”Those Pavarotti are so bad; they’re everywhere!” (he meant paparazzi)
204.    ” I always eat dinner when I go to those luncheons” (what he meant was I always get a ticket for those luncheons)
205.    ”Don’t let that burning bridge slap you on the ass on the way , out the door!”

New IEEE standard values:

Non-Conventional Units of Conversion

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 Microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 Bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 Billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 Semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 Megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 Hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A Straight Line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 Pound Cake

1 million- microphones = 1 Megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 Megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 Kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 Decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 Literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 Microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 Terrapin

10 rations = 1 Decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 Diagram

4 nickels = 2 Paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University

Hospital = 1 IV League

and… 100 Politicians = Not 1 decision

I inclination not acquiesce in on it. I think nice post. Particularly the designation attracted me to be familiar with the sound story.

No offense to anyone on here, but it is funny how new users like myself trust everything that they read hear. Just because youve been a member longer than me does not mean that you are smarter. Please heed all advice before taking

Or are those real people? Wouldn’t be surprised. Illiteracy (not always the person’s fault; the culture and education of today needs improvement) is full of joyous wonders.

It has me deeply touched, my gentlemen, here so hospitably received to be. From colleagues out of my own profession, in this from my own home so far distant land. My heart is full of gratitude, but my poverty of German words forces me to greater economy of expression. Excuse you, my gentlemen, that I read off, what I you say will. [But he didn't read].

The German language speak I not good, but have numerous connoisseurs me assured that I her write like an angel. Maybe—maybe—I know not. Have till now no acquaintance with the angels had. That comes later—when it the dear God please—it has no hurry.

Since long, my gentlemen, have I the passionate longing nursed a speech on German to hold, but one has me not permitted. Men, who no feeling for the art had, laid me ever hindrance in the way and made naught my desire—sometimes by excuses, often by force. Always said these men to me: “Keep you still, your Highness! Silence! For God’s sake seek another way and means yourself obnoxious to make.”

… I am indeed the truest friend of the German language—and not only now, but from long since—yes, before twenty years already. And never have I the desire had the noble language to hurt; to the contrary, only wished she to improve—I would her only reform. It is the dream of my life been. … I would only some changes effect. I would only the language method—the luxurious, elaborate construction compress, the eternal parenthesis suppress, do away with, annihilate; the introduction of more than thirteen subjects in one sentence forbid; the verb so far to the front pull that one it without a telescope discover can. With one word, my gentlemen, I would your beloved language simplify so that, my gentlemen, when you her for prayer need, One her yonder-up understands.

HT: Paul B and Hannes H

Call this “How Not to Write For the SAT”…

From:     jrantonio@scu.edu
Subject:     FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
Date:     October 7, 2009 8:42:02 AM CDT

the FBI said to me:

** High Priority **

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM, 7367
J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, DC 20535,
0001.

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET

We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail,Post-mail,Phone or Face-to- face conversation, it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information of our citizenry.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C), Bureau of Justice Assistance (BJA) and some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United States of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your payment without further delay.We will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank accordingly as we will be monitoring all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all level.

We recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case,we were made to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim.They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous elements are using this project as an avenue to Scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the activities of the Central Bank office.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from Ohio has already contacted them,she presented all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued about US $10,700,000.00 (Ten million Seven Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before they go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from Ohio forwarded to them,this was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in contacting the true fund beneficiary and carrying out a professional investigations on this issue.

Further more be informed that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don”t fall victim to this ugly circumstance anymore. And in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:
Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN)
OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria,
Tinubu Square,Lagos – Nigeria.
office of the Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria
(NAME: PROF. CHARLES CHUKWUMA SOLUDO)
Email: centralbankofnigeria22@rocketmail.com
Phone: +234-2100-56-76

Note: For your best interest and ensure a proper co-ordination by this body saddled with this sanitary responsibility we advice you forward any mail/e-letter that you receive which seem suspicious and does not emanate or originate from the office of the Central Bank or Federal Bureau of Investigation for cross examination before response for security reasons.

Meanwhile we advice that you contct the Central Bank office immediately with the above e-mail address and request that they attend to your payment file as directed to enable you receive your contract payment now that foreign exchange is available .

Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards the transfer of your payment. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms. Once again, we will advice that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which they may require from you for the release of your fund as time is not in your favor.Send to them the following information as stated below.

1. Full Name:
2. Phone Number:
3. Fax Number:
4. Your age:
5. Current occupation:
6. A copy of your identification:

For further information in relation with this notification or if you are at the verge of making any payment for whatsoever reason, we advice you to first reach us for professional advice to guide you against any unforeseen circumstances that might lead you into been scammed. Be wise and don”t be deceived.

Yours Faithfully,

ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III
FBI DIRECTOR..

At least they had the courtesy to apologize for emailing me, instead of dropping by in the dead of night and waking me from my slumbers!!

Glad they said at the beginning of the email that this was **High Priority**, too!! Geez! I never would have known…

Update (9-9-09, 8:20 AM):  Mr. Mueller, aka JR Antonio, was kind enough to write again, warning me against “PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO AND DR.USMAN**THEY ARE SCAM ARTISTS**THEY CAN NEVER  SEND YOU A CENT)” and teaching me that the “FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA” has an “OFFICE OF THE SENATE HOUSE ON ATM PAYMENT”!! Cool!!  I get from

From:     jrantonio@scu.edu
Subject:     (VERIFICATION  PANEL ON CONTRACT/INHERITANCE PAYMENT)
Date:     October 9, 2009 3:13:13 AM CDT

the notice that I have more money coming!! More millions!! And all I need is an ATM card!!  But I must watch out for impostors, for people trying to swindle me!! Uh-oh!! These people are so nice and trustworthy, how could I not love them:

** High Priority **

OFFICE OF THE SENATE HOUSE ON ATM PAYMENT
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT
(VERIFICATION  PANEL ON CONTRACT/INHERITANCE PAYMENT)
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Ahmadu Bello Way, Central Area, Lagos, Nigeria.
TEL:+234-7090032235

Attn: Beneficiary,

This is to officially inform you that we have verified your contract/inheritance file and found that why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled the obligation given to you in respect of your contract/Inheritance payment.

Secondly, we have been informed that you are still dealing with none Officials in the Bank in your entire attempt to secure the release of the fund to you. We wish to advise you that such illegal acts like this has to stop if you wish to receive your payment since we have decided to bring a solution to your problems.

Right now we have arranged your payment through our swift card payment center, that is the latest instruction from President Alhaji Umaru Yar’Adua[GCFR} Federal Republic of Nigeria and Federal Ministry of Finance.

This Card Center will send you an ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, but the maximum is Eight thousand five hundred dollars per day, so if you like to receive your fund this way please let us know by contacting the CARD PAYMENT CENTER(verifiationpanel@sify.com) an also send the following information to him in order for him to proceed immediately:

1. Full Name:
2. Phone Number:
3. Fax Number:
4. Address where you want them to send the ATM CARD to
5. Your age:
6. Current occupation:
7. A copy of your identification:

The ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTER has been mandated to issue out USD$8,300,000.00 as part payment for this fiscal year 2009.

Also for your information you have to stop any further communication with any other person {s} or Office {s} (especially PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO AND DR.USMAN**THEY ARE SCAM ARTISTS**THEY CAN NEVER  SEND YOU A CENT)to avoid hitches in receiving your ATM payment stop dealing
with them if at all you are dealing with THEM OR any other person.  Email me back as soon as you receive this important message for further direction and also update me on any development from the above-mentioned office.

Note that because of impostures, we hereby issued you our code of conduct, which is {ATM-822} so you have to indicate this code when contacting the CARD CENTER by using it as your subject.

DR ADEYEMI JOHNSON
HEAD OF OPERATIONS
5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex,
Ahmadu Bello Way, Central Area,
Lagos, Nigeria.
TEL:+234-7090032235
COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT
(VERIFICATION  PANEL ON CONTRACT/INHERITANCE PAYMENT)